Why My Immortal is the Ultimate Piece of Fiction of All Time Period Ever.

Why My Immortal is the Ultimate Piece of Fiction of All Time Period Ever.

My Immortal is a Harry Potter fan fiction written in 2007.  The story follows the author, Tara Gilesbie’s original character Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, a 17 year old “goffik” vampire going to Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry.  That’s about it, the story has no real discernible plot, things just sort of happen, like there’s a part early on where Ebony goes on a date with Draco Malfoy to see Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance at Hoggsmeade, where they fall in love, later going to the forbidden forest to have sex, which is described in the story as him “putting his boy thingie in [her] you know what [and] they did it for the first time”, but their coitus is interrupted by  Dumbledore, who screams at them, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!”, now you might be thinking to yourself, “wow, that seems pretty out of character for Dumbledore”, and you’d be right, but the author awares us that he only swore because he had a headache.

At about this point, you’re probably realizing that this fan-fiction is not actually good, and you would be right, dear reader.  In fact this is often regarded as the worst fan-fiction ever written, but why is it the worst?  Well to give a short list, it has awful two dimensional characters that always act nothing like they do in the original novels, most of them are sorted into the factions of Satanists/Goths or Preps, it has awful prose practically written in early 2000’s text speech, impossible to comprehend plot lines, the main character is a blatant Mary Sue with everything that happens to her being poorly veiled wish fulfillment, and in my opinion the worst sin this fan fiction commits is that every single time a character comes on screen, we know exactly what they’re wearing, from their head to their toes, down to what kind of makeup they’re wearing.  This last one probably sounds innocuous, but believe you me, it is grueling after 44 chapters.

Essentially this story uses every single trope that can make a fan fiction terrible, but it almost seems too good to be true, like there’s no way that it could be real, like there’s a part where Voldemort gives Ebony a gun to shoot Harry Potter (who now goes by Vampire Potter), and a part where “Morty McFli” shows up with his “blak tim machine” to take Ebony back to the future.  So this must be a piece of satire on bad fan fictions right?

Well, I honestly don’t know.

I personally think that it was written with legitimate intent because, for one this thing is 104 pages long, and there’s too much of a paper trail connected to the author, with several other accounts on websites, and honestly My Immortal is way too complicated to fake, there’s no way I could ever sit down and write something as astoundingly bad and hilarious as this.  I think of it as a movie that’s so bad its funny, you can tell when a movie was made to be bad, they stick out like a sore thumb, and they’re nowhere near as enjoyable as the genuine article.

At the end of the day though, we will never know whether or not My Immortal was written legitimately or as satire mocking fan fictions as a whole, but despite this it remains as possibly the funniest thing on the internet, and a monument to how for we’ve come since 2007.  Please read it.


The Sellout: A biting satire of “Post-Racial” America

The Sellout: A biting satire of “Post-Racial” America

I’ve never exactly been sure what “post-racial” meant, much like the term postmodernism, or Kafkaesque, I’d heard it used before, but never actually knew the exact definition, so I decided to look into the meaning of the hyphenate, and the definition I found was “denoting or relating to a period or society in which racial prejudice and discrimination no longer exist”, which is a ludicrous concept.  As it turns out, there are people actually believe that we live in a post-racial society, however from watching the news for even a half hour on any given day, we know this is false.  However, I suppose there are enough white people out there who claim to be “colorblind”, or that they can’t be racist because they had a black president, or because they really liked The Wire.  Anyway, with only the results of the 2016 election in mind, we know that post-racial america doesn’t exist.

Paul Beatty’s novel The Sellout takes aim at the concept of a post-racial America, and does a fantastic job of lampooning it.  Our first introduction to the main character and narrator of the novel is him on trial at the Supreme Court, openly smoking weed, with his opening line being “This may be hard to believe, coming from a black man, but I’ve never stolen anything”, which essentially sets the provocative comedic tone for the novel.  No, rather than being on trial for what one would consider a stereotypical black crime, such as stealing, or drug sales (although he does make money selling pot off horseback), his crime, as he describes it:  “I’ve whispered ‘Racism’ in a post-racial world.” To be more specific though, he is on trial for owning a slave and resegregating his hometown of Dickens.  So, yeah, this book is pretty outrageous in its material.

Now, while I understand that it is insanely difficult to see humor in dark subjects such as, slavery, police brutality, gangs, and issues of race, but you have to believe me when I say this, Paul Baetty pulls humor out of these subjects masterfully, I can’t tell you how many times I busted out laughing reading this novel.

After inheriting an urban farm from his deceased father, who was killed by police officers, the narrator’s hometown of Dickens is wiped off the map, literally.  The town, while still actually existing, is no longer represented on maps, and road signs leading to the town are no longer where they aught to be.  This destroys the narrator’s friend Hominy Jenkins, a fictionalized version of the actor who played Buckwheat in the Little Rascals, best known for playing stereotypical African American roles.  Hominy, being Dickens’ most famous resident, fears that he’ll no longer get visits from his fans, so naturally he begs the narrator to keep him as a slave.  So the two set out to put Dickens back on the map, which ends with them instituting segregation back into the community, much to the chagrin of my absolute favorite character, Foy Cheshire, who re-writes Huckleberry Finn, but replaces all uses of the n-word with “warrior”, and slave with “dark-skinned volunteer”, the title of this new version being “The Pejorative-Free Adventures and Intellectual and Spiritual Journeys of African-American Jim and His Young Protégé, White Brother Huckleberry Finn as They Go in Search of the Lost Black Family Unit”.

Essentially what I’m saying here, is that the plot of this book is absolutely absurd, which makes sense given the absurdity of what it’s setting out to mock.  Essentially the goal of satire is to exaggerate and attack societal issues, and when the thing you’re exaggerating is already as absurd as the idea of a “post-racial” america, you have to bring out the big guns.

Paul Baetty’s The Sellout is a hilarious novel unconcerned with with offending readers, which is an incredible change of pace, given our society’s propensity to engage in outrage.  All in all, I’d say that this was probably a more enjoyable read than A Little Life.

Based on NPR’s review of The Sellout